 Things I Learned From the Movies 1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. 2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. 3. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. 4. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. 5. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 6. Kitchens do not have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the door of the refrigerator and use that light instead. 7. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 8. Most cars that crash will burst into flame. 9. If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut. 10. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bold upright and pant. 11. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness. 12. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to explode. 13. When in love, it is customary to burst into song. 14. All women, on learning that their life is in danger, immediately drive to an isolated cabin with many windows, no curtains and poor locks, where they will be safe. 15. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons. 16. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men shooting at one man. 17. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely, but ONLY at night. 18. If being shot at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bathtub. German bullets do not penetrate water. 19. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. 20. Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames. 21. All computer disks will work on all computers, regardless of operating systems or configurations. 22. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. 23. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste with their actions. 24. You can always find a chain saw when you need one. 25. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or paper clips in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. 26. You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie. 27. when driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey. 28. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. 29. Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth birthday. 30. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 31. If you are blond and pretty, is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age twenty-two. 32. The more a man and woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love. 33. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade -- at any time of year. 34. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread. 35. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 36. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. 37. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any part of the building without difficulty. 38. You are likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 39. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. 40. The chief of police always shouts. 41. A single lit match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. 42. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 43. All single women have a cat. 44. City police do not react to major gun battles on city streets. 45. Women should never permit the fact that there is a serial killer in their town stop them from jogging through isolated areas. 46. Uniformed cops never catch the bad guy. JAC - 2002 |